Love? Did you say, “What is love?”

A friend asks this question. As it happens, I’ve been thinking about this one a good bit, too, kinda parked at the intersection of sl and rl. So this is a response, but it’s mo’ n’ dat, too. If you hate to wax philosophical, just quit reading now. You should prolly also quit if you love to wax philosophical but are put off by incoherence, because coherent I ain’t. At least not always…

“Perhaps love is the process of my gently leading you back to yourself.”
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

This is where my friend ends the post linked above. It’s really close to what I think love is.

I believe in love. I believe that it is the most powerful force in the universe, and I also believe that it’s terribly misunderstood.

Most of the time, when I hear my friends talk about love, I hear descriptions and discussions of the feelings engendered by love, of the emotional impact brought about by love, the good vibes or the anger, the jealousy, or the need to dominate, or the desire to be absorbed in what one thinks to be the totality of another human being. Love sings to us of pleasure, of rapture even, of transport outside ourselves, of connection with something sublime and mysterious, sweet and compelling, and we want to capture that song and make it ours, however it sings to us.

It’s only natural to try to apprehend feelings that resonate so strongly within us, that are so good, so strong, even when the feelings are overwhelming, or dark. Those feelings make us feel more alive than we feel in their absence, or in their weakening.

But I don’t believe the feelings brought on by love are the same things as love itself. Something we call “love” is a drug that delivers some kickass euphoria. I am among those who would chase that buzz all the way to the moon.

SecondLife is a huge aid to that chase, because we can be anything we wanna be there, and we can connect so easily with a much larger universe of people there than we can in rl. The cost of a blown relationship in sl is minimal. You’re never more than a coupla’ clicks away from ending one and moving on to the next. Sex, which is IMHO about the very best adjunct of love, is a commodity in sl. It’s so easy to have, without any of the apparent consequences of unbridled indulgence in rl.

SL can break down barriers between people, which makes it much easier to be lovers there. This happens because an av in sl is necessarily incomplete, and is almost always highly idealized. And because I can present myself there as a pure product of my imagination, I can make myself really easy to love.

But behind my av, and yours, is still a real person. The kind of person Saint-Exupery was talking about. If I love you well, the way he’s suggesting, I’m not gently leading your av back to itself; I’m gently leading you, even as you are doing the same for me. That’s a wild idea. It seems to suggest that love is more than buzz-chasin’. It suggests that love is something (a feeling? a chemical reaction? a spiritual motive? how the hell should I know?) that is interested in much more than the self, than in self-aggrandizement. It suggests mutual selflessness, a real interest in the well-being of the other. It suggests a desire, and an ability, to look deeply into the soul of another and call out the very best of what is there, in the heart of another human being, and it suggests the potential of great joy in the process of looking, and of calling. This is some of what Saint-Exupery’s def suggests to me.

But OTOH, it also suggests the potential for sorrow, for disappointment, for pain, even for boredom. That’s because it suggests that love is a conscious choice, one that is aided by all kinds of ineffable chemistries, and one that is a mystery, but that is a choice, a decision, nonetheless. If I love you, what will that mean for me? If I follow Saint-Exupery, it means that I will tolerate your weaknesses, your infuriating habits, your self-deception, and all the rest, because I can see at least some of the amazing wonder that you are, and I will delight with you in uncovering it. I’ll understand that the path there, however, is not a smooth and level one, but that because we’re both human, is hilly, and sometimes strewn with debris. I’ll have to decide if it’s worth it to me to go down that path with you, and you’ll have a similar decision to make. We’ll have a choice to make, to love, and one to reaffirm as we go.

Wow. Needs editing. And there’s much more to say, obviously. I mean, peeps been talkin’ bout dis shit forever, and we won’t have the last word. But I’m a believer. And I think this kind of love is possible in sl. I just don’t think it’s what most people there are looking for.

~ by argyleboi on August 3, 2007.