To be, like, rill, ya hafta kill…

…a cat or two.

Not so long ago, I pulled the trigger on an old friend. He was my first, and for a long time only, av in sl.

“Meh,” you’ll say. “So what?” Oh, I dunno. I’ll tell you if you stick around.

One of my first friends in sl was always counseling me. She would say things like, “This is a game. Ya gotta compartmentalize. Keep it separate from rl.” That seemed like good advice. I followed it for a while. For several months. Which is like nineteen years in sl, as many of you know.

My life in the metaverse was an extended sequence of playing different personalities through the same av. Sort of. I mean, I never committed to one or the other of those personae to the degree that a good roleplayer would have. I became aware after 194 days that I was becoming more an observer of potential selves than I was an actualized entity in the metaverse.

Attempting to play a role, I existed untrue to myself. I created and maintained myself as a ghost. A person who fades in and out of view, whom you can see, but can’t really touch.

I hate that. Passionately. Fuckin’ passionately.

Why do I hate it so much? Because it’s fundamentally dishonest. It’s not really what I want. And yet I chose to live like that. And you know why I really hate it? Because I realized that this is too much the way I live irl. I’m walking through my days mostly masked to myself. What am I really? Sl has shown me that I know a lot less about that than I want to believe.

I do love that, now. That crazy ability sl has to bring shit like that into focus.

“Why pretend to be something other than what you are? Why are you doing that?” Fear. Fear of rejection in a cold arena. Fear of not being cool. Fear of being completely irrelevant. A ghost driven to being a ghost by the fear of being a ghost.

Anyway, I murdered my av. ‘Twas a justifiable felicide. I thought I might attempt a resurrection, but I don’t think so now. Better to let dead cats rot.

So, what now? I can live in the metaverse, but not on my old and scared terms. I will be walking a different way now. I will be in sl what I really am, and not make apologies for that. Because one other thing I learned in sl (which really is a most excellent teacher) is that rejection happens. All the time. And it hurts. But not nearly so much as the feelings that come with trying to be what you’re not.

Being a ghost hurts worst. From now on, I’m resolved to be solid.

*chortle*

~ by argyleboi on February 5, 2008.